A open letter to my oldest

M,

I'm not sure what to write. My therapist said to write a letter and tear it up. So this will be my attempt then after that I'll be released and supposedly will no longer be blocked by it and free to improve.

Divorce sucks for everyone. This makes ten years since the divorce. A divorce that I didn't want, I take responsibility for my actions. I suck as a dad, and probably did as a husband as well. But how can someone improve if the other person won't even give you a chance.

You're 😡 I think, but how the hell could I even know, I text and get nothing, DM nothing, even write hand written letters and still get 🦗

At my current weight I've probably got 5 years based on my last Dr visit. It really sucks losing a parent, especially when it was preventable. The sad thing is I don't care.  I need purpose something that I've been lacking in a consistent basis for a long time. I've had spurts but nothing. 

I look at you and your siblings as the one bright spot in my otherwise dreary existence.  Do you even know why you're angry? Just know I'll always be here loving and missing you. I truly wish I could undo whatever I did to cause your pain.

In the mean time I'm going to get up repeat and restart my journey to health and happiness.

Dad

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